Have you ever carefully explained something to someone and then had them take your words completely out of context? Over and over again, despite your repeated explanations to the contrary? It can get really frustrating because pretty soon you feel like a broken record. You start asking yourself, “Why aren’t they paying attention to what I’m really saying?” It seems so unfair when people misunderstand us because they weren’t really paying attention in the first place, and then try to make us the villian. As if that’s not bad enough, then others around us have to put their two cents in. And, of course, everyone seems to have a different opinion. Pretty soon, all parties involved are disagreeing with each other. That’s the ripple nature of conflict. It may start as a small thing at first, but if we keep throwing rocks into the pond over and over again the waters never calm down.

What is called “selective hearing” happens all the time in the church. Just like the rest of the world, we Christians often hear only what we want to hear, instead of what is actually being said. As a photojournalist I deal with this in my profession all the time. What is usually at the heart of it is that (a) someone has a preconceived agenda that they don’t want to come out and be truthful about, and whatever you or I said or did threatens that or (b) both sides have unrealistic expectations of each other or (c) one person is trying to make themselves look superior to another.

Friends, as Christians this should not be. We need to be truthful with one another about what’s really going on. Having agendas that we’re expecting others to adhere to without their knowledge is a no-win situation. We need to let people know up front if we’ve already made a decision about something, or if we have changed our position on a matter. Expecting someone to play by our rules, when they don’t know what the game plan is, can be downright distrastrous for all concerned.

We should always be honest with others in our dealings with them, but we don’t need to do it in a way which causes harm to our witness for Christ, or reflects on God’s reputation. As Christians, if we have a personal disagreement with someone else, we already know what scripture tells us to do. There is a three step process in Matthew 18:15-17 all Christians are supposed to follow when they have a personal grievance with another brother or sister. When we put one step before the other, as is frequently the case, then we wind up causing an even greater misunderstanding.

Sometimes that doesn’t apply because there is public disagreement about what establishes the facts of a matter. In that case, we all tend to go with what we believe to be the truth. Anyone in law enforcement can tell you that two different people will probably have two entirely different versions of exactly the same event. One saw it from one angle and the other saw it from another. However both accounts are valuable in seeing the whole picture. As a pastor I know so wisely remarked, “There’s always three sides to every story. My side, your side, and the truth.” No matter how smart or well informed we are, no one this side of heaven has all the right answers. When we have taken someone’s statements out of context, and made them appear to mean something else entirely, then we need to be big enough Christians to admit that we were wrong.

Being taken the wrong way has happened to me lots of times, and probably to you, and it will happen to every human being on the planet at some point in time. And, because we are imperfect human beings chances are good that it will happen again. Sometimes we’ll be the victim of such unfair tactics, and sometimes we’ll be the perpretrators. Unfortunately, that’s human nature. The important thing is that we make sure we follow the Lord’s counsel in the matter when these things happen, whether the other person chooses to do so or not. That may not give us exactly the outcome we desire, but it will show that we are the kind of Christians who really are willing to put God’s agenda first.